Photo by Pierrede Reeder

I can lift weights. I can lift so many weights of different weights. But I can’t lift weights that are too heavy! No, and I’d also rather not. I can easily box and ride bikes and can get through all of this without drugs and other stimulants. More important, I can run around (not like doing errands) and jog about, too. I can get a good sweat going, just from doing this exercise. All I need is water and a towel to wipe the sweat from my forehead. I prefer running. I prefer it! When going from point A to point B, it’s more efficient to run. But I rarely run to a destination anymore (living in Los Angeles, it’s not practical). I run for my health.

I have sports clothing, including but not limited to: shorts, tanks, socks, headbands and shoes (running shoes). I was a size 12 all of my adult life – post-puberty life – until somone recently told me I should try a bigger size. What a change! I could feel the difference. So, I’m always looking for new paths to run on. But I might as well stick to the river. It’s a good, dirty, half-filled, always-polluted river a block away from my house. It’s a river I can walk to and that’s the warm up. I can walk onto the path and start a slow jog. Of course, my headphones are on and an iPhone is strapped to my arm – tight. I’ve dabbled with certain apps, which track and store my run. Sometimes I use these apps and sometimes I don’t. I’ll put on some music or I’ll tap into NPR or Howard Stern and listen to talk radio while I run.

Sometimes running will be hard from the beginning. My knees will hurt, and the flab on the front of my body will flop up and down uncomfortably; and the wind going into my lungs is cold and stings. Sometimes the run is easier at first and then gets really easy. And then, suddenly, my knee will seize up and throb or a side sticker will grow like a rash – pounding pain. I’ll run with the current on the east side of the river and hope to see a few ducks or dogs, cross the bridge and run against the current on the west side of the river toward the other bridge, and then run across that bridge and hope to do it twice. But I almost always do it once.

I have dogs but I don’t take them running because they would rather stop when they want to and smell the grass and then I’m annoyed with them and have to double back and yell, “Come on!” I’m also left holding the leash, which I’ll pass from hand to hand. So when I run, it’s just me.

But I have nothing against my dogs and in fact I love my dogs. I often take my dogs – Pete a medium sized pit lab and Molly a small pit beagle (I think!) – for walks down to the river. I never grew up around dogs and was a little afraid of them until Pete came into my life and I experienced the heartbreaking feeling of unconditionally loving a cross-species. I am all things to Pete and Molly: provider of food, water, shelter and comfort. I pick up their waste and I keep them healthy. The best they can do to show their gratitude is lick my face.

Honestly, this morning I caught my dog staring at himself in the mirror. He had been staring at himself for more than five minutes. I caught most of it on video! Eventually he grew bored of himself – or whatever he thought was in the reflection – and turned toward me and realized he’d been caught. There was a slight twinge of embarrassment in his eyes. I don’t blame him. I would hate to get caught staring at myself in the mirror.

Tim Heidecker is the co-creator and co-star of the cult television show Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job with Eric Wareheim. Heidecker has recently released an album with Davin Wood titled Starting from Nowhere – the 12 tracks recall the smooth sounds of the ‘70s. For more information, please visit heideckerandwood.com._