If you’ve come within earshot of the band Tenacious D, chances are you laughed, cried or ran away revolted. With songs like “Kielbasa Sausage” and “Fuck Her Gently,” the self-proclaimed “Greatest Band on Earth” rides roughshod between comedy, drama and music-searching for free love through free speech. Jack Black, funny man in such films as High Fidelity, Shallow Hal and Orange County and Kyle Gass, funny man and still aspiring thespian, give Relix an earful about Jesus, cock and restraining Page McConnell.

How do you guys stay so fit?

Jack Black: My only exercise is the D. And I don’t eat as many carbs as I used to. Cut down on the breads and pastas. I allow myself as many fruits and veggies as I like.

Is there special diet required to rock so hard?

JB: Well, that doesn’t have anything to do with rocking. I can rock just as hard, fat as I can skinny, but I heard that you die quicker when you’re fat. So I trimmed down a little.

This is true.

JB: Cause you know what? I like to live.

Is KG really hung like a beer can?

JB: It’s more like a tuna can. It’s very thick.
Kyle Gass: Not as long as a beer can.

So there’s girth.

KG: My testicles are so big I think there may be something wrong with them.
JB: So when you cum, does it go for like two minutes?
KG: A girl almost choked the other night.
JB: Is it almost like peeing?
KG: No, it was more like a jet. Kind of like a hose.

Do you have a favorite breed and/or strain of pot?

KG: Well… as long as it has potency really.
JB: What’s it called?
KG: Um, I dunno, but the stuff in Vermont was pretty awesome.
JB: Oh my god

So is there a preference of state then?

KG: Well, that’s probably the best I had, but we’re from California so… you know…
JB: We could be called Skunky D….[laughter] skunky D weed.

Kyle, you once said that the D’s “talent is well hidden. We’re like sleeper cars, when you get a Pinto and put a big engine in it and drag race? We’re similar.” Do feel still feel like a pinto or have you moved up to say, a more all-around type vehicle, say like a Ford Taurus?

KG: Well, I still think maybe a Chevy Nova.

Before coming out on stage, do you have any pre-show rituals you do? Do they involve pattycake?

JB: No.
KG: No.
JB: My ritual is to do nothing. To do whatever I would do if there was no show. Except I like to sit around and make a setlist…
KG: I do a little stretching…
JB: I do some vocal warm ups, drink some hot tea, I’ll eat a couple carrots, um… I’ll look at Kyle and say, “I got a bad feeling about this one”
KG: [laughter]
JB: Usually…
KG: I’ll vouch for that, just about every show. [more laughter]
JB: We usually go up there and tear the place apart, but you know, that’s just usually.

Do you find that you’re losing some of you core fans because people in the front row are having their nuts blown off night after night?

JB: Interesting! Wow, I’ve never thought about that, but it may be a danger in the future.
KG: But not with the advent of cloning.
JB: We’ll just clone our fans.

Jack: Have you ever been called a modern day Falstaff? If not, why not?

JB: I don’t remember anyone ever calling me Falstaff. Isn’t that just the jolly, fat Shakespearean dude?

Pretty much. He’s funny, he’s…

JB: Does he have a serious side too?

He’s got a little serious side to him…

JB: Does he carry a blade?

A…. certainly a heavy club. I think he probably carries a blade.

JB: I think people don’t call me Falstaff because that sounds more like a … Chris Farley…
KG: And a lot our fans, unfortunately, don’t read much.
JB: Yeah, that’s why they don’t call me that.

Kyle, you once said: “The softer we rock, the more it points out how rockin’ the songs are. There’s no feedback to hide behind.” So, in a sense, would you ever call yourself soft-core?

KG: Well… [clears his throat] I wouldn’t say… no… I think we’re closer to hardcore.
JB: We feel more like soft cock.
KG: I’d say we’re more like hard cock.
JB: I’m gonna say 3/4 erect.

So you’re well beyond half mast.

JB: Core. 3/4 erect core.
KG: We’re actually the viagra of soft rock.

Why do your fans suck?_

KG: I disagree.
JB: I love my fans.
KG: Why do you think our fans suck?
JB: Why do your fans suck, that’s the question. D
KG: Why did you ask that question?
JB: Dude, because D fans…
KG: They rock…
JB: You know why? They’re down with the D. If you’re down with the D, then I’m down with you, nine times out of ten. Are you saying, why does that 1/10 percent suck? They come and they wanna… they’re jealous.
KG: [laughter]
JB: They start yelling stuff.
KG: Pray for our demise.
JB: They want to destroy us. Sometimes, the most passionate, the ones that love you the most, they want to destroy you.

Very Shakespearean.

JB: That’s the depth and passion of the D.
KG: Keep your friends close and keep your enemies in the balcony.

So when are you guys going to make a feature film about your rise to power?

KG: Well, we might make a movie. I’m not sure if it’s about our rise to power, but that’s a good idea. So do you need story credit now?

No. So when was Baby Sass born and who is his mother?

JB: The film is in the works by the way. Baby Sass was born in San Francisco.
KG: He was grown somewhat…
JB: That’s true, but that’s where he made his first public appearance.
KG: It looked like he was about a year and a half. That’s the first time he picked up an electric guitar…
JB: And the funny thing is, I think that might have been the last time… we never saw adult sas after that. Or did we? When was the Spinal Tap show? No, that was it.
KG: And his mother? No one has any idea.

So it’s kind of a bastard sasquach.

KG: Sasquactchs are very, very shy. They don’t need much.

If you could see one person get hit in the nuts with a football, who would it be?

KG: Scott Stapp.
JB: Who’s that? From where?
KG: Creed. [laughtetr]
JB: That would be funny.
KG: That would be fun.
JB: He’s got those big, brown, doughy Jesus eyes. It’s would be kinda… it might be funny.

Who pitches and who…

JB: You notice there’s a lot of Jesuses in rock these days? You got Creed- leather Jesus.
KG: Nickleback [Chad Kroeger].
JB: Nickleback. Um… he’s a slightly sweeter Jesus. Who else? Maybe that’s it. Never mind.
KG: Maybe there’s not that many…
JB: Ok, never mind.
KG: Maynard [James Keenan] from Tool.
JB: Bald Jesus. And of course, Eddie Vedder. Indie cred Jesus.
KG: He’s Mohawk Jesus now. I think you cracked the code on that.

Who…

JB: Cobain was kind of Jesus. Of course Jim Morrison was Jesus. … Where the hell is my nicotine gum? Can you just talk to Cage for minute?

Sure. You there?

KG: Yeah.

So who pitches and who catches when you guys are playing ball?

KG: In the D or when we’re having homosexual…

Either or

KG: Well, that’s what I really took it to mean. Probably I would pitch and Jack would catch.

Since the name of band came from a Marv Albert line, and hence I’ll assume you’re at least mildly fans, is it safe to say you like biting?

KG: Um… I don’t mind a little bit of biting. A… where floats your boat at the moment.

How’d you get hooked up with Page McConnell and what are your thoughts about Phish and the new generation of hippies?

KG: [laughter]. Um, let’s see. Page… those guys were fans and they came and saw a show or two in New York. And so I met them there. And then he started calling. Page started calling constantly, begging me…

JB: Hello?

Hello.

JB: What are you guys talking about?
KG: Page and how we hooked up.
JB: Oh yeah.
KG: And finally, it was like, “alright dude, if you want to play on the album…”

He was just harassing you huh?

KG: He was kind of harassing me. I almost went… I was either going to get a restraining order or just let him play. The new generation of hippies? Um… it’s fine. Why not?
JB: We’re going to party with them with String Cheese Incident.
KG: We like hackey-sac.
JB: They want to do a song with us during their set and I don’t know…
KG: We could do “Truckin’” maybe.
JB: No dude. I want them to give us a list of their classic rock “repertoire” and we should just pick one out of that and do that.
KG: We could probably tell them.
JB: Yeah, but I would rather them fax me a list of it. I can’t think of anything.

So yeah…

JB: How bout we do it like karaoke?
KG: [laughter]

How did you guys get hooked up with String Cheese?

KG: Our manager sent an offer over and it was really good.
JB: No, I think once again String Cheese pursued the D.
KG: True. They wanted us bad.

Clearly you guys are fans of Polish food. What’s the dream dinner?

JB: Why are we fans of Polish food clearly?
KG: Kielbasa sausage.
JB: Oh, no. That’s just in reference to my cock. No, I don’t really like sausage of any kind. Um Polish food… I prefer Indian food.
KG: Is sauerkraut polish? How about that?
JB: I like the names of Indian food better too. Vindaloooooo …. Lamb vindaloooooooooo

So how do you guys deal with all the groupies?

KG: Well, I have a mentorship program for young women.
JB: Cage, weren’t you thinking of starting a concert or just having a special concert?
KG: Right. It’s called "Tenacious D’s Nationwide Birthday Bash, 18th… celebrating. And then people would write in and we’d got through the entries… and remove all the sausage.
JB: I dunno….
KG: You didn’t really like that idea.
JB: It just seems wrong.
KG: It did and we’re probably not going to do it.
JB: And also… I think it’s unrealistic. Did you ever, like, think that like the way to get a good… if you invited…. If you threw a party and only invited the pretty girls that you know, you would end up with none of those girls because they would all get to the party the party and realize, “What is going on here?” “Ooohhh.” They would all leave.
KG: That’s true. They’d all leave except for a few really dumb ones right at the end…
JB: None of them… a few desperate Ottos at the end?

Ok, one more question. Um… performing with Spinal Tap as you did, dream or wet dream?

JB: Dream, wet dream. I’m taking both of those are good. But wet dream is better.
KG: It was a wet dream and then it became a dream come true.
JB: It went down from wet dream?
KG: No.
JB: That’s even better?
KG: It was a wet dream when we thought about it…
JB: Oh I see…
KG: If you could send me a lifetime subscription…

I think we could do that…

JB: It was like a wet dream and then we actually had sex with Spinal Tap for real…
KG: [laughter] I guess so. I didn’t think anything special…
JB: Don’t listen to Cage.